“I am selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if u cant handle me at my worst, then u sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.”
– Marilyn Monroe –
They say women are crazy, and maybe thats true. from all the female friends I have, indeed, we are a special species, with the amount of different levels of craziness, and guaranteed, all women are crazy, in their own way.
Speaking about craziness, I have my own level of craziness that only particular person can handle, only particular person. And sometimes I forget that not everybody can be that particular person.
I have been through a lot in my life, and for that excuse I can say I have this rough personality. Sometimes I dont know what’s going on in my head and my mind can develop a crazy theory and over analyzing thing out of control and formed a not very good conclusion that anybody may hardly accept. Pardon me, but that’s how my brain works, out of orbit. And I can also say that I am a bad words expert, but believe me, I aint proud of that.
And for that reason too, its quite hard for me to find a man who can accept me the way I am. Noone can tolerate my level of craziness, so far..
But people say, everybody had already has someone who meant for them. Like Greek mythology said, human used to be created with 4 hands, 4 legs and 2 faces, but Zeus afraid of the power human can have, so he split it into two and doomed them to find each other in life. I dont know should I believe it or not but it sounds romantic so I think I might agree. 🙂
But where is half of my soul? Is he still far apart from me? Is he still searching for me? has he found me but we torn apart again? I have no idea and still try to figure this out, like endlessly.
Wise men say, in life u have to learn everything, and life will teach u everything. But so far, I feel like the dumbest student ever coz every time life gave me lessons, I failed.
But I dont want to be forever dumb. I want to learn something from what I’ve been through.
I realize I have something inside me that I have to fix. My insecurities, my jealousy, my negative thinking and my impatience. My frenchman, Nik, always says, he believes in me and all my good qualites behind my sometimes crazy and out of control behavior, he believes I can be a better person if I try really hard and learn from all mistakes I did. And he is right, and I want to prove him that he is right. All these years he tried to fix me, but now its my turn to fix myself.
I keep on tumbling down in life, while I keep trying to find my soulmate. Life is a long journey, a long run, and it has no final stop and has no turning point. I used to looking for a shelter where I can stop and become my final destination, but then I realized as I’m growing old that life has no final destination. All I have to do is run and run and run, and all I need is to find is someone who can run along with, hand in hand, jumping, sliding, and going through the obstacles together.
I still dont know where to find him, even Nik seems to fit in the criteria with his endless patience and big heart and cool head and always know how to handle me at my worst, but so far we still have different way to run. Even sometimes he still stops by everytime I’m tumbling down and cry just to comfort me and say “everything will gonna be just fine” and keep reminds me that life is beautiful everytime my sky is falling down and torn apart.
I will keep it in mind, life is beautiful, la vie est belle…..