How to keep a man (?)

First of all, don’t get misunderstood with the title that I wrote above. No, I am not going to give you all some kind of tips about how to keep a man, and no (again!) I don’t want to write about how and what I do to keep a man because the truth is, I barely know how to keep a man.

I truly do not know how to keep a man yet I am still single all along. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I am too ugly? but then I see everyone uglier than me can get a (fine) man and live happily (ever) after. Then I thought maybe I am too smart, but just a few weeks ago I failed an IQ test for a new job interview.So what then? Am I too dumb, well, I see lots of dumber girls who cannot define between ‘existed and excited’ being praised like a goddess. So what do I have so wrong in here?

One of my good friend told me over a pint of beer that if I want to recognize my mistake why every man I know run backwards after they get to know me, I should watch a movie called “The Ugly truth”, yes the Gerard Butler movie, that one..


Well, I dont mind to have a Gerard Butler of my own hehe..

But that’s not the point I think. Even after I watched the move I realize I did something or everything that the girl on the movie did, minus the Gerard Butler of course.

And let me tell you something and everything that I always do, that might be the biggest turn offs that made all the men (not so much actually) turned their backs on me for good.

  1. I have been told, men like independent women, strong women, and women who know what they want. I never ask anything from them, I always offer to pay my share on the bills when we dated or when we have a vacation (even the smaller part). I never asked to be picked up, I never ask for money and I mostly told them what I want from the start (love, relationship, commitment, sincerity, presence and attention), but yet, still they choose women who obviously have more attraction to their safe deposit than the commitment to be made together.
  2. I always show the affection, nonetheless. I always available anytime anywhere anyhow for him.But is it make him come closer? Nope, it’s quite the opposite.
  3. I told them “I love You’. Yeah, believe it or not, I did. Not because I do really love them, but just so I wont lose them. And yet, I still lose them.
  4. I did whatever they want me to do, I said whatever they want to hear, I made the effort to communicate everyday, every night,and every millisecond of my breath I dedicate to the man that I (claimed) love.But in return, they run backwards as fast as they can to get away from me.

So what my mistakes here?? As I naively asked my friend. Even I definitely and soberly know exactly what I did wrong. EVERYTHING. I did everything wrong.

I tried hard to be loved, I tried hard to get love, I even become a manic control freak over every situation that involved a guy that I like to create the romance between us.

Well, i dont know what turned me into that, maybe too much pressure inside me, not too much love I got from inside my family, or terrible past that i cannot learned from yet, maybe lots of things that I can’t even explain myself, I dont understand…

But one thing I want to understand, I want to love myself more than my needs to be loved by someone else so this kind of thing, will not happen again in my life. So I dont need any validation from someone else to be loved, I dont need any proof from someone else that I am myself worth to be loved, and I feel enough and confidently feel that I love myself enough not to put myself in any situation that make me feel less worthy than anyone or anything else… I need to love myself before I can ask someone else to love me…




Love or what I think it is

The fact that I write this at 2:30 in the morning stated that this really bothering so much and I cant help it.

William Wharton said, love is passion, admiration and respect. if you have two you have enough but if you have all three, you dont have to die to go to heaven.

I mostly agree with what Mr. Wharton said but now I question his wisdom.

I barely understand love. And I might not even found it yet , but most of the time, I have mistaken something else to be called love.

I look around myself and see how easy people find love, and keep it, and be happy with it. But on the other hand, i just grab the very next thing that I think suitable enough to be called love or the man of my dream. Is it true that he is the man of my dream, or he just fit in to be the man of my dream and I create the whole image of him to be my standard of love?. I dont know and it might be is.

I told him how much I love him, I told him how much I adore him and I told him that he is everything that I have been dreaming of while the fact is, I dont even know him at all but I want him to fit in the image of the man that I am falling in love with. I know it’s not fair and I realize that just shows how much a control freak I am. I want to be in control of my life and on every situation including on the man I am falling in love with. Yeah, thats scared the hell out of me as well, not just him.

I dont know how to fix the situation with him, and I actually dont want to fix that. but I just want to take the lesson from this situation that I created with him that caused a crash boom bang to not to happen again in the next future so I can really find a love, a real one.

I do not love him, and clearly do not love myself enough to put myself in the situation that I cant help damaged and left a bad taste in his mouth, but I dont want this happen again.

I want to love myself to find love…..

A love that is not an obsession of being loved, a love that is not a completion of being in love. A love that stand alone to be love itself and embrace both of me and him to create a new path in our life that brings countless happiness.

And for the guy that I have been tortured to love me in this past year, I am sorry for using you as the object of love that I try to picture on you, I dont blame you for hating me right now, and thank you to endure until you cannot anymore…

For now, I just want to love myself to find love…..