The fact that I write this at 2:30 in the morning stated that this really bothering so much and I cant help it.
William Wharton said, love is passion, admiration and respect. if you have two you have enough but if you have all three, you dont have to die to go to heaven.
I mostly agree with what Mr. Wharton said but now I question his wisdom.
I barely understand love. And I might not even found it yet , but most of the time, I have mistaken something else to be called love.
I look around myself and see how easy people find love, and keep it, and be happy with it. But on the other hand, i just grab the very next thing that I think suitable enough to be called love or the man of my dream. Is it true that he is the man of my dream, or he just fit in to be the man of my dream and I create the whole image of him to be my standard of love?. I dont know and it might be is.
I told him how much I love him, I told him how much I adore him and I told him that he is everything that I have been dreaming of while the fact is, I dont even know him at all but I want him to fit in the image of the man that I am falling in love with. I know it’s not fair and I realize that just shows how much a control freak I am. I want to be in control of my life and on every situation including on the man I am falling in love with. Yeah, thats scared the hell out of me as well, not just him.
I dont know how to fix the situation with him, and I actually dont want to fix that. but I just want to take the lesson from this situation that I created with him that caused a crash boom bang to not to happen again in the next future so I can really find a love, a real one.
I do not love him, and clearly do not love myself enough to put myself in the situation that I cant help damaged and left a bad taste in his mouth, but I dont want this happen again.
I want to love myself to find love…..
A love that is not an obsession of being loved, a love that is not a completion of being in love. A love that stand alone to be love itself and embrace both of me and him to create a new path in our life that brings countless happiness.
And for the guy that I have been tortured to love me in this past year, I am sorry for using you as the object of love that I try to picture on you, I dont blame you for hating me right now, and thank you to endure until you cannot anymore…
For now, I just want to love myself to find love…..