I Wanna

I wanna go to a proper date, with a proper man, in a proper dress, to a proper restaurant..

I wanna talk with him for hours, eat a proper meals, drink a proper wine..

I wanna see the sparks in his eyes when he talks about his favorite things or favorite team sport and his favorites childhood memories..

I wanna feel the butterflies in my stomach when he touch my hand from across the table he sits in when he try to compliment my smile..

I wanna feel the warmth in my heart when he look deep in my eyes and smile when I told him any stupid story that come out from my mouth just because I am so nervous…

I wanna see him laugh hard when we talk about random things that come across between us…

I wanna feel his heart beat when he hugs me good night before we go home after a very nice evening we had…

I wanna wake up the next morning finding a cute text from him on my phone asking to have another date for another day

I wanna do all those things all over again endlessly until we finally go home to the same home and sleep in the same room and share the same bed and kiss good night before we turn off the lights and wake up the next morning next to each other with smile…

But first, I wanna find him…

 

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Happiness has an expiration…

…so does sorrow.

People say that life is unfair, but I can say that life is fair enough.

I had a talk with a good friend over dinner about happiness and sorrow. She asked “why do I always look happy?” And then I tell her this story..

I wasn’t happy because in the past couple weeks I was being in a heart breaking situation while I dont even have a heart to break. I got dumped 8 hours before my flight back home in a foreign country where he lives by my two weeks fling with reason that I am not good enough for him and we are in a very different level and we care about different things. Doh! Are you blind or stupid? We are different from the beginning and who was ever say I want to be your wife?

I told her the story over laughter as if its the funniest thing in the world but indeed it is the funniest thing in the world.

But the fact is, did I cry or did I really laugh?

At the moment it happened, I didnt laugh or cry. All I think was, what I suppose to do for the rest 8 hours before my flight while he left me stranded on the street and I got really shock because I wasnt expect that. What kind of person who does that? Well now I know that there is a guy who has no responsibilites at all and someone who can ditch his responsibilty in a blink of a eye.

I didnt blame him for what he did to me. Maybe thats the way he is, maybe it is me who deserve that or million other reason that made it should be happened.

But one thing for sure that I believe, happiness has an expiration and so is sorrow.

I was happy when I was with him, he made me happy and laugh, I thought he was a really nice person and I enjoyed every moment with him but too bad my happiness with him was just too brief, and when the happiness is gone, so does him. And the feeling replaced with grief and sorrow of losing him.

So why I can still look happy after? Because the sorrow that he left on me doesnt have to stay long. It expired as brief as the happines he brought.

Happiness and sorrow are just moments in life that replace one another. Sometimes it stays long sometimes it doesnt. It doesnt really matter because what really matter is the person. I wish I can find someone who can stay permanently in my life as a friend, as a lover, as a husband, and even the happines has gone and replaced with sorrow, he can still stay, coz thats the thing that can make life beautiful..

The man who (is going to) sold the world

We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time agoOh no, not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the worldI laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for foreign land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare
We walked a million hills
I must have died alone 
A long, long time agoWho knows?
Not me
I never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the worldWho knows?
Not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the world
(Nirvana – The Man Who Sold The World)

I dedicate this song to the man that I believe one day is gonna sell the world. The man whom has million poker faces, the man who always switching his emotion on and off, but the fact also the man that I was fascinated with.

I don’t know why I somehow always attracted not only to a man with brain but to a man with high arrogance. A man with devil smirk and dark fantasies, a man who is willing to trade his soul to the demon, but on the other hand, this man can make me weak and lost myself under his control.

He lured me with his intelligence and his passion to hold the world in his hand. I can see his desire burning his soul to ashes, I can feel his power embrace his veins, I can dive in his eyes and see how much he wants to own the world, and when I’m with him, he dragged my soul to the deepest hole where I can’t even have control of myself and found myself lost in his hand.

He is going to get what he wants and he will not let anyone stand on his way, he is going to go straight to hell just to dance with the devil, and from the first time I hold him, I know, I was just face to face with the man who (is going to) sold the world.

Dedicated to: Mr. Lawyer

 

How to keep a man (?)

First of all, don’t get misunderstood with the title that I wrote above. No, I am not going to give you all some kind of tips about how to keep a man, and no (again!) I don’t want to write about how and what I do to keep a man because the truth is, I barely know how to keep a man.

I truly do not know how to keep a man yet I am still single all along. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I am too ugly? but then I see everyone uglier than me can get a (fine) man and live happily (ever) after. Then I thought maybe I am too smart, but just a few weeks ago I failed an IQ test for a new job interview.So what then? Am I too dumb, well, I see lots of dumber girls who cannot define between ‘existed and excited’ being praised like a goddess. So what do I have so wrong in here?

One of my good friend told me over a pint of beer that if I want to recognize my mistake why every man I know run backwards after they get to know me, I should watch a movie called “The Ugly truth”, yes the Gerard Butler movie, that one..

the-ugly-truth

Well, I dont mind to have a Gerard Butler of my own hehe..

But that’s not the point I think. Even after I watched the move I realize I did something or everything that the girl on the movie did, minus the Gerard Butler of course.

And let me tell you something and everything that I always do, that might be the biggest turn offs that made all the men (not so much actually) turned their backs on me for good.

  1. I have been told, men like independent women, strong women, and women who know what they want. I never ask anything from them, I always offer to pay my share on the bills when we dated or when we have a vacation (even the smaller part). I never asked to be picked up, I never ask for money and I mostly told them what I want from the start (love, relationship, commitment, sincerity, presence and attention), but yet, still they choose women who obviously have more attraction to their safe deposit than the commitment to be made together.
  2. I always show the affection, nonetheless. I always available anytime anywhere anyhow for him.But is it make him come closer? Nope, it’s quite the opposite.
  3. I told them “I love You’. Yeah, believe it or not, I did. Not because I do really love them, but just so I wont lose them. And yet, I still lose them.
  4. I did whatever they want me to do, I said whatever they want to hear, I made the effort to communicate everyday, every night,and every millisecond of my breath I dedicate to the man that I (claimed) love.But in return, they run backwards as fast as they can to get away from me.

So what my mistakes here?? As I naively asked my friend. Even I definitely and soberly know exactly what I did wrong. EVERYTHING. I did everything wrong.

I tried hard to be loved, I tried hard to get love, I even become a manic control freak over every situation that involved a guy that I like to create the romance between us.

Well, i dont know what turned me into that, maybe too much pressure inside me, not too much love I got from inside my family, or terrible past that i cannot learned from yet, maybe lots of things that I can’t even explain myself, I dont understand…

But one thing I want to understand, I want to love myself more than my needs to be loved by someone else so this kind of thing, will not happen again in my life. So I dont need any validation from someone else to be loved, I dont need any proof from someone else that I am myself worth to be loved, and I feel enough and confidently feel that I love myself enough not to put myself in any situation that make me feel less worthy than anyone or anything else… I need to love myself before I can ask someone else to love me…

 

 

Love or what I think it is

The fact that I write this at 2:30 in the morning stated that this really bothering so much and I cant help it.

William Wharton said, love is passion, admiration and respect. if you have two you have enough but if you have all three, you dont have to die to go to heaven.

I mostly agree with what Mr. Wharton said but now I question his wisdom.

I barely understand love. And I might not even found it yet , but most of the time, I have mistaken something else to be called love.

I look around myself and see how easy people find love, and keep it, and be happy with it. But on the other hand, i just grab the very next thing that I think suitable enough to be called love or the man of my dream. Is it true that he is the man of my dream, or he just fit in to be the man of my dream and I create the whole image of him to be my standard of love?. I dont know and it might be is.

I told him how much I love him, I told him how much I adore him and I told him that he is everything that I have been dreaming of while the fact is, I dont even know him at all but I want him to fit in the image of the man that I am falling in love with. I know it’s not fair and I realize that just shows how much a control freak I am. I want to be in control of my life and on every situation including on the man I am falling in love with. Yeah, thats scared the hell out of me as well, not just him.

I dont know how to fix the situation with him, and I actually dont want to fix that. but I just want to take the lesson from this situation that I created with him that caused a crash boom bang to not to happen again in the next future so I can really find a love, a real one.

I do not love him, and clearly do not love myself enough to put myself in the situation that I cant help damaged and left a bad taste in his mouth, but I dont want this happen again.

I want to love myself to find love…..

A love that is not an obsession of being loved, a love that is not a completion of being in love. A love that stand alone to be love itself and embrace both of me and him to create a new path in our life that brings countless happiness.

And for the guy that I have been tortured to love me in this past year, I am sorry for using you as the object of love that I try to picture on you, I dont blame you for hating me right now, and thank you to endure until you cannot anymore…

For now, I just want to love myself to find love…..

 

 

twisted & burned

I am confuse, feels like I’m broken inside but I don’t know how to fix it..

What am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? I don’t have goals, I don’t have purpose, my dreams are shattered, I am walking with no direction, with no friend.

Do I pity myself? No. No, I don’t. I just don’t know where I’m going. And I can’t picture myself in any kind of life that all my friends already have. I feel like I don’t belong there.

My sister who has a superstitious  thought was ever said that I might got cursed by the people or man who I have been hurt in my past, but I kinda not believe that, who does that? and for what? I hurt him, okay, and so what? I got hurt too so many times, and that is life. Cursing someone who has hurt you will never bring any good thing in return. And If he meant to make my life miserable, well, the truth is I don’t. I just confuse, and I’m pretty sure its not because of being cursed, more like just confused.

These whole time, I try hard to look for someone to save me. Someone to run to. Someone to fix me, but I never found one. SO maybe it’s time to stop and I don’t know the rest.

I am not sad actually, I am just lost..

Secrets & Lies

People live with that in daily life. Noone can ever avoid having secrets and lies.

People usually having secret to protect someone else and lying to avoid conflict, it’s common, it’s normal, it’s human. But what about people who make secrets and lies just to create a new version of his life in front of another people? Is it normal? Is it right? Isn’t it horrible?

I was had a fresh experience crossed path with a horrible person like that. I met him online and then met him for real. he was like a decent person, we seemed to have lots of things in common. We shared the same interest, we shared our thought, we shared our daily life, we seemed to be clicked. But after a while, things changed.

I never suspect people, I never googled people, if I want to know something about him, I will just simply ask him, coz I count first person information as the most reliable if I got it directly from the source himself, but I was wrong. In the new era of digital, we cant rely on the person himself to know the truth. Internet speak truth louder than the person himself.

As a woman, I always have an instinct, and as a woman count as the crazy one, I do have a wild instinct, and I promise myself to always listen to it, coz it mostly revealed the truth about a person when I feel wrong about.

Back to the guy, just call him Mr.A, after almost 4 month we talked, one time we met in person, only one time coz he lives in Bangkok and I live in Jakarta, something felt wrong. I dont know what, and I dont know why I felt that, but I was just felt it, something was off and something was wrong, then I dig in through the internet and I found out the truth about him.

He lied to me all these times, none of his words are reliable. He just a big fat liar. Turned out he’s been married for 11 fuckin years and I have to find it out myself and he just runaway, just like that. What a jerk and what a coward.

Well, maybe I am overreacted, but I definitely have a zero tolerance on that. How could he did that to me? And maybe the right question is, how could he did that to his wife??

Where were her when he did what he did to me? And how could someone erase a part of his life for 11 years? Is she even mean something to her? Can he just tell me, “Hey I’m a married man and I’ve been married for 11 years but I want to fuck u”. That’s more has dignity to me. I will more appreciate that than being lied these times as if I’m the dumbest person on earth. Honesty is the most honorable thing than the sweetest lies.

I dont hate him for who he is, he just a pathetic coward nothing can change that, I just hate what he did to me, lie to me, being fake to me, think that I’m an idiot. I hate that. I dont like that.

Something to learn about this, I cant trust people, how sad is that when something digital holds more truth than the word of human himself? How sad is that that we can no longer count on the truth that spoken from the person himself? Human lost their dignity to a thing called technology, when the oath coming from the mouth of a human can no longer count as the pure thing as truth. So maybe we have no reason to promise, no reason to tied ourself under oath. Leave it to the internet and the all the digital service to speak the truth, human is no longer valid to speak the truth..

Adios humanity…