I Wanna

I wanna go to a proper date, with a proper man, in a proper dress, to a proper restaurant..

I wanna talk with him for hours, eat a proper meals, drink a proper wine..

I wanna see the sparks in his eyes when he talks about his favorite things or favorite team sport and his favorites childhood memories..

I wanna feel the butterflies in my stomach when he touch my hand from across the table he sits in when he try to compliment my smile..

I wanna feel the warmth in my heart when he look deep in my eyes and smile when I told him any stupid story that come out from my mouth just because I am so nervous…

I wanna see him laugh hard when we talk about random things that come across between us…

I wanna feel his heart beat when he hugs me good night before we go home after a very nice evening we had…

I wanna wake up the next morning finding a cute text from him on my phone asking to have another date for another day

I wanna do all those things all over again endlessly until we finally go home to the same home and sleep in the same room and share the same bed and kiss good night before we turn off the lights and wake up the next morning next to each other with smile…

But first, I wanna find him…

 

Happiness has an expiration…

…so does sorrow.

People say that life is unfair, but I can say that life is fair enough.

I had a talk with a good friend over dinner about happiness and sorrow. She asked “why do I always look happy?” And then I tell her this story..

I wasn’t happy because in the past couple weeks I was being in a heart breaking situation while I dont even have a heart to break. I got dumped 8 hours before my flight back home in a foreign country where he lives by my two weeks fling with reason that I am not good enough for him and we are in a very different level and we care about different things. Doh! Are you blind or stupid? We are different from the beginning and who was ever say I want to be your wife?

I told her the story over laughter as if its the funniest thing in the world but indeed it is the funniest thing in the world.

But the fact is, did I cry or did I really laugh?

At the moment it happened, I didnt laugh or cry. All I think was, what I suppose to do for the rest 8 hours before my flight while he left me stranded on the street and I got really shock because I wasnt expect that. What kind of person who does that? Well now I know that there is a guy who has no responsibilites at all and someone who can ditch his responsibilty in a blink of a eye.

I didnt blame him for what he did to me. Maybe thats the way he is, maybe it is me who deserve that or million other reason that made it should be happened.

But one thing for sure that I believe, happiness has an expiration and so is sorrow.

I was happy when I was with him, he made me happy and laugh, I thought he was a really nice person and I enjoyed every moment with him but too bad my happiness with him was just too brief, and when the happiness is gone, so does him. And the feeling replaced with grief and sorrow of losing him.

So why I can still look happy after? Because the sorrow that he left on me doesnt have to stay long. It expired as brief as the happines he brought.

Happiness and sorrow are just moments in life that replace one another. Sometimes it stays long sometimes it doesnt. It doesnt really matter because what really matter is the person. I wish I can find someone who can stay permanently in my life as a friend, as a lover, as a husband, and even the happines has gone and replaced with sorrow, he can still stay, coz thats the thing that can make life beautiful..

The man who (is going to) sold the world

We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time agoOh no, not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the worldI laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for foreign land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare
We walked a million hills
I must have died alone 
A long, long time agoWho knows?
Not me
I never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the worldWho knows?
Not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the world
(Nirvana – The Man Who Sold The World)

I dedicate this song to the man that I believe one day is gonna sell the world. The man whom has million poker faces, the man who always switching his emotion on and off, but the fact also the man that I was fascinated with.

I don’t know why I somehow always attracted not only to a man with brain but to a man with high arrogance. A man with devil smirk and dark fantasies, a man who is willing to trade his soul to the demon, but on the other hand, this man can make me weak and lost myself under his control.

He lured me with his intelligence and his passion to hold the world in his hand. I can see his desire burning his soul to ashes, I can feel his power embrace his veins, I can dive in his eyes and see how much he wants to own the world, and when I’m with him, he dragged my soul to the deepest hole where I can’t even have control of myself and found myself lost in his hand.

He is going to get what he wants and he will not let anyone stand on his way, he is going to go straight to hell just to dance with the devil, and from the first time I hold him, I know, I was just face to face with the man who (is going to) sold the world.

Dedicated to: Mr. Lawyer

 

How to keep a man (?)

First of all, don’t get misunderstood with the title that I wrote above. No, I am not going to give you all some kind of tips about how to keep a man, and no (again!) I don’t want to write about how and what I do to keep a man because the truth is, I barely know how to keep a man.

I truly do not know how to keep a man yet I am still single all along. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I am too ugly? but then I see everyone uglier than me can get a (fine) man and live happily (ever) after. Then I thought maybe I am too smart, but just a few weeks ago I failed an IQ test for a new job interview.So what then? Am I too dumb, well, I see lots of dumber girls who cannot define between ‘existed and excited’ being praised like a goddess. So what do I have so wrong in here?

One of my good friend told me over a pint of beer that if I want to recognize my mistake why every man I know run backwards after they get to know me, I should watch a movie called “The Ugly truth”, yes the Gerard Butler movie, that one..

the-ugly-truth

Well, I dont mind to have a Gerard Butler of my own hehe..

But that’s not the point I think. Even after I watched the move I realize I did something or everything that the girl on the movie did, minus the Gerard Butler of course.

And let me tell you something and everything that I always do, that might be the biggest turn offs that made all the men (not so much actually) turned their backs on me for good.

  1. I have been told, men like independent women, strong women, and women who know what they want. I never ask anything from them, I always offer to pay my share on the bills when we dated or when we have a vacation (even the smaller part). I never asked to be picked up, I never ask for money and I mostly told them what I want from the start (love, relationship, commitment, sincerity, presence and attention), but yet, still they choose women who obviously have more attraction to their safe deposit than the commitment to be made together.
  2. I always show the affection, nonetheless. I always available anytime anywhere anyhow for him.But is it make him come closer? Nope, it’s quite the opposite.
  3. I told them “I love You’. Yeah, believe it or not, I did. Not because I do really love them, but just so I wont lose them. And yet, I still lose them.
  4. I did whatever they want me to do, I said whatever they want to hear, I made the effort to communicate everyday, every night,and every millisecond of my breath I dedicate to the man that I (claimed) love.But in return, they run backwards as fast as they can to get away from me.

So what my mistakes here?? As I naively asked my friend. Even I definitely and soberly know exactly what I did wrong. EVERYTHING. I did everything wrong.

I tried hard to be loved, I tried hard to get love, I even become a manic control freak over every situation that involved a guy that I like to create the romance between us.

Well, i dont know what turned me into that, maybe too much pressure inside me, not too much love I got from inside my family, or terrible past that i cannot learned from yet, maybe lots of things that I can’t even explain myself, I dont understand…

But one thing I want to understand, I want to love myself more than my needs to be loved by someone else so this kind of thing, will not happen again in my life. So I dont need any validation from someone else to be loved, I dont need any proof from someone else that I am myself worth to be loved, and I feel enough and confidently feel that I love myself enough not to put myself in any situation that make me feel less worthy than anyone or anything else… I need to love myself before I can ask someone else to love me…

 

 

Secrets & Lies

People live with that in daily life. Noone can ever avoid having secrets and lies.

People usually having secret to protect someone else and lying to avoid conflict, it’s common, it’s normal, it’s human. But what about people who make secrets and lies just to create a new version of his life in front of another people? Is it normal? Is it right? Isn’t it horrible?

I was had a fresh experience crossed path with a horrible person like that. I met him online and then met him for real. he was like a decent person, we seemed to have lots of things in common. We shared the same interest, we shared our thought, we shared our daily life, we seemed to be clicked. But after a while, things changed.

I never suspect people, I never googled people, if I want to know something about him, I will just simply ask him, coz I count first person information as the most reliable if I got it directly from the source himself, but I was wrong. In the new era of digital, we cant rely on the person himself to know the truth. Internet speak truth louder than the person himself.

As a woman, I always have an instinct, and as a woman count as the crazy one, I do have a wild instinct, and I promise myself to always listen to it, coz it mostly revealed the truth about a person when I feel wrong about.

Back to the guy, just call him Mr.A, after almost 4 month we talked, one time we met in person, only one time coz he lives in Bangkok and I live in Jakarta, something felt wrong. I dont know what, and I dont know why I felt that, but I was just felt it, something was off and something was wrong, then I dig in through the internet and I found out the truth about him.

He lied to me all these times, none of his words are reliable. He just a big fat liar. Turned out he’s been married for 11 fuckin years and I have to find it out myself and he just runaway, just like that. What a jerk and what a coward.

Well, maybe I am overreacted, but I definitely have a zero tolerance on that. How could he did that to me? And maybe the right question is, how could he did that to his wife??

Where were her when he did what he did to me? And how could someone erase a part of his life for 11 years? Is she even mean something to her? Can he just tell me, “Hey I’m a married man and I’ve been married for 11 years but I want to fuck u”. That’s more has dignity to me. I will more appreciate that than being lied these times as if I’m the dumbest person on earth. Honesty is the most honorable thing than the sweetest lies.

I dont hate him for who he is, he just a pathetic coward nothing can change that, I just hate what he did to me, lie to me, being fake to me, think that I’m an idiot. I hate that. I dont like that.

Something to learn about this, I cant trust people, how sad is that when something digital holds more truth than the word of human himself? How sad is that that we can no longer count on the truth that spoken from the person himself? Human lost their dignity to a thing called technology, when the oath coming from the mouth of a human can no longer count as the pure thing as truth. So maybe we have no reason to promise, no reason to tied ourself under oath. Leave it to the internet and the all the digital service to speak the truth, human is no longer valid to speak the truth..

Adios humanity…

I Will Never Get Enough of You

I’m talking about books.

I love books. Since I was little kid, I always excited to go to bookstore and that excitement made me confuse to

The book that I found when I was broken heart

The book that I found when I was broken heart

choose the books to buy coz I want all the books!

I read everything since I was kid. Magazines, comics books, novels, newspaper (even only the gossip columns) even labels in a jar, and reading is so amusing for me, no wonder I gain too much minuses on my glasses, but thanks to contact lenses these days, I dont have to wear my thick glasses every day. 🙂

My interest of books depends on my mood swing, but basically I just like something light to read. When I was kid, I was a huge fan of comic books, and on my childhood era, Japanese comic books or rather be known as manga, was very very popular. And my favorites are girly and funny manga of course. But I also read children and teenage novels and american comics such as Goosebumps, it was very popular teenager horror novels for teenager, also comics books such as Archie Andrew and Betty Veronica. That was my favorites. And I also read cultural books and legend of my own country, classics legend tales from many places in Indonesia, so basically that’s how I learn history when I was kid, through a comic an kids novel. I also learnt a bit of French history from a Japanese manga, Rose of Versaille, not bad, huh. :p

The book that i bought few years ago but never finished read. I bough it just bcoz of discounted.

The book that i bought few years ago but never finished read. I bough it just bcoz of discounted.

As I’m growing old, my fondness of comic books no longer striving in my soul. I’d rather read novels, or in the other word, a book without graphics, just words, hehe. But depends on my mood, I prefer a light read than a heavy one. I used to read Paulo Coelho books and I have some of his books, Veronica Decide to Die, The Witch of Portobello, By The River of Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, those  some of his books I have read but I cannot always read a heavy philosophy books, my brain cant always swallow all the meaning of those great philosophy. Paulo Coelho is brilliant, my brain is not, hehe. So mostly, I only pick some chicklit just to relax and have some laugh. And surprisingly, life lesson can come through an easy book.

But in this rapid growth of technology, books seems forgotten. People are too busy with their smartphone, I can rarely find people reading book in the corner of cafe, or holding book when they walk around, all I can see just people with smartphones on their hands, in cafes, restaurants or streets and everywhere.

I almost forgotten books, the last time when I bought a book was when I was broken heart bcoz of J. In an airport of Lombok Praya a year ago, I found a bookstore and I felt like I found a sanctuary, felt like I found myself again. 🙂

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The book i was just finished read

One of my favorite book of all time is P.S. I love U by Cecilia Ahern. Yes, the P.S. I love u movie, its from that book, its actually a chicklit. I read the novel before the movie was even made. Its brilliant and so romantic, well actually its just extra romantic, I was fall for the novel and when the movie made, I was fall for Gerard butler of course. And in  my opinion, the novel and the movie is really great, not disappointing.  How can i say not disappointing? bcoz mostly, when the book is great, the movie doesnt seems to follow.

And my unforgetten books of all time are Harry Potter series. I read Harry Potter when i was in college, even i dont have the books coz it was beyond my student pockets so I was just borrowed it from my friends. And I think Harry Potter is so crazy brilliant coz it really took our imaginations away, I remembered I chose to read Harry potter than studying for my exam, once I hooked to the book, I barely escaped, J.K. Rowling is fantastic!

The book that I currently read, I bring it everywhere in my bag :p

The book that I currently read, I bring it everywhere in my bag :p

So in this past few months, I am starting to buy books again. And my choice of books is absolutely depend of my mood. but mostly, I pick an easy read book, a refreshing and funny chicklit which story line is around daily girls life, bcoz its always good to know that a story of a book is not faraway from our daily life.

Maybe sooner or later books is become an ancient thing, replaced something more and more technology-ish. But, i will never lost my love on books. Reading a book compared to an e-book from computer or tab or pad is different. It has different sensation, different thrill and different satisfaction. When you read a book, the actual book, you can get the feeling when you hold the book and read it while you have a cup of coffee or tea, when you fold page by page, it’s different than to swipe a page on a tab. The smell of the paper, the feel of the paper on you finger, it’s undefinable.

I love books, the actual books. And I will never replace it with something more technology-ish, reading books is way more fun, believe me, or not :p

Happy reading!

Some books that I have left from these days

Some books that I have left these days

The quest of finding “The One”

In this past three months and more, I’ve been struggling to find “The One”..

Yes, the one, the perfect one for me, the best and one and only for me, the one that makes me comfortable and confident with, the one that can give me satisfaction and the most important thing is, the one that NOT ripping my hair off!

I’m talking about finding the right shampoo for me, becoz apparently all the shampoo that I bought makes my hair falling out more, and its so frustrating, I can afford losing the man that i’ve comfortably slept with without any promising future but I totally cannot afford of losing my hair, this is a freakin’ nightmare! The worst of the worst ever!

I couldnt sleep at night, I’m pretty anxious and brought the fear into nightmare, literally, i was had a bad dream of being bald. Its totally not cool and woke me up in a big sweat and fear! Please God , no!

I  might not having a pretty hair like all the girls in Kerastase ads, but experiencing my hair falling out every time I wash it is the worst thing I cannot face. I know I’m being dramatic and my friends say so, i’m the most dramatic person ever, but, I’m telling u, I cannot afford losing my hair, I’m a woman, and hair is a crown for woman, and I’m not gonna lose it ever!

Well, here it is the trails of my quest finding the right one, a.k.a the right shampoo for me, even for now i havent found it, but here we go :

ker_bain_riche_dermo_calm_neu

Kerastase Dermo Calm Shampoo (Image by google)

Honestly I have a big expectation about this shampoo. Becoz of the high reputation of the brand, the exclusiveness and the expensive price. I’m a lil bit got too far dreaming about having a thick, long and bouncy hair after using it but the fact, it scared the hell out of me.

How could it be?

Yes it indeed proved what it said of taking the good care of your scalps bcoz i can go through two until three days without washing my hair and I didnt feel any itch or uncomfortable feeling for not washing my hair for three days but whats scared me was I lost a big amount of hair while shampooing.

I was freaked out, like literally freaked out until my best friend told me to get easy coz its probably nothing coz hair is normally falling out while shampooing but no way girl, I cant get easy on this.

I have tried to use this shampoo for a week and more and my hair fallen out in a big clump and this really freak me out to hell, I even literally cant think anything else but my hair, but the price of this stuff cost me makes me not really easy to just give it up. But after few weeks I couldn’t help it to testify my hair falling out for more, so with the biggest heart I can deal with, I have to give this baby away to my best friend. So sad, but c’est la vie, U cant keep up with the things that makes u miserable and losing much more than u can afford even it already cost u lost of fortune. Too bad, the fancy Kerastase is not my “the one”.

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L’oreal Ever Strong Thickening Shampoo (image by google)

My second quest that I found in Singapore.

I was terribly shock while using Kerastase dermo Calm causing me lost lots of hair while shampooing, so I immediately tried to swept it with whatever I can get at the moment.

After a long walk in Singapore with my sister and from drugstore to drugstore that drained my sister’s patience coz I coulndt pick my choice to any shampoo and just kept reading the label, I finally gave my shot to this one.

It claimed to be able to restore your falling hair and make it thicker in 30 days, ,and plus its sulfate and SLS free. So I’m trying to back to nature and give it a go.

Well, at first, it gave me a very fresh feeling to the scalp, refreshing, and just like Kerastase dermo calm, this shampoo doesnt want to make me feel to wash my hair everyday, even after work out, I know its kinda gross, but indeed I feel not necessarily washing my hair every day, my head feeling fresh and cool, But, I still have something bothering me about this shampoo.

First, its not available in my country, its ridiculous tho to make a trip to Singapore every now and then just to buy a shampoo, and its an extra effort to ask my brother to buy it for me and send it to Jakarta which is a big no for him to do that. And second how could i depend myself on a thing that I cant get in here? So while experiencing with this one, I already started to look for another one.

And weeks goes by I feel not really comfortable using this shampoo, guess what? This thing also ripped my hair off, just like Kerastase one, so once again I freaked out. I cant handle my hair keep falling out of my head!

Organix-Repairing-Awapuhi-Ginger-Shampoo-022796916839

Organix Awapuhi ginger shampoo (image by google)

Then I moved one to this one. After reading tons of reviews of my possible future shampoo, I pick this one out, once again non SLS and Non PABA. I read about the SLS is a total damage for your hair and back to nature thing, so it could be a good choice.

I also have a big expectation about this thing but the fact I do always have a big expectation about everything, not to mention a guy, hehe, I thing big expectation is a bad thing for me, so later on I will not (at least try) have any expectation of things (or guy).

So is this shampoo did a good job for me? I dont know yet. But I already stopped it bcoz I experienced itchiness and somekind of dump and sticky on my scalp and also my hair still falling out, in a big amount.

Actually it smells good, thats the pro but the cons is far more that I can handle, or face.

I dont know whether the itchiness on my scalp happened becoz of using this shampoo or bcoz of other thing such as natural aloe vera that I applied to my hair as a natural treatment, but so far I cant stop scratching my head during the day, omg, I’m pretty much like a monkey. So then I decided to cut my hair shorter and forget about my dream to have a long bouncy hair, I have to take care of this problems soon.

rainforest-balance-shampoo_l

The Body Shop Rainforest balancing shampoo for oily hair (image by google)

Out of desperation, I found this one. Well not actually the thing that comes in my mind after reading tons of reviews, i just accidentally stepped in The Body Shop counter when i was at the mall and after a few minutes reading the labels and even not quite sure bcoz my hair isnt oily, just the scalp but my hair more like dry, I decided to bought this one and push all my luck of my hair in this hand of this bottle.

SLS free, Paraben free and non animal testing, it should be natural and harmless so I took my chance on this one.

After few days using it, its actually not really bad. It stripped my hair and I felt squeaky clean after washing my hair but when I aired it dry without any flattening iron or blow drier, my hair seemed fine.

Until this night, the nightmare came back. I dont know why, its been more than a week using this body shop shampoo and last night, i cant help scratching my head bcoz of the massive itchiness that I felt on my head. God help! I cant even sleep and decide to wash my hait in the 00.30 am in the midnight, horrible! I dont know what happen to my head, and while I’m scratching my head of course my hair fallen out, many of it!

prwt490-500x500

Spinach Shampoo By Mustika Ratu (image by google)

This is the last thing that I used to wash my hair last night. Its actually not mine, its my sister’s shampoo that she left behind in my  mom’s bathroom before she left to Sweden to be with her husband.

It says that its formulated for hair fall, so what the worst thing I could get from this one.

This is the cheapest one from all the above shampoo that I have ever bought and plus, I didnt buy it, hehe.

Maybe i should go for the local brand than the imported stuff that I usually likes to buy. Maybe cheaper thing can do a better job than the luxurious expensive ones.

I have been changing 5 shampoo for the 5 past months, no wonder my head and my scalps seems and feels stressed out.

I know I have lack of patience handling problems that occurred in my life and my quick of change of decisions doesnt make any good of anything and so far didnt solve the problems.

It may not seems a big deal for anyone but it is for me. And from the overall point of view and in general, finding the right shampoo is more likely as hard as finding the right man, no kidding.

U cant keep using the shampoo that just make your hair worse and falling out more and more each day, no matter how expensive it is, same like man, u cant stay with the man that keep your heart breaking each and more day no matter how promising he is.

Oh God please help.. help me find the right shampoo and the right man at the same time, it would be a big win :p

Wish me luck..

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I have to cut it short