Happiness has an expiration…

…so does sorrow.

People say that life is unfair, but I can say that life is fair enough.

I had a talk with a good friend over dinner about happiness and sorrow. She asked “why do I always look happy?” And then I tell her this story..

I wasn’t happy because in the past couple weeks I was being in a heart breaking situation while I dont even have a heart to break. I got dumped 8 hours before my flight back home in a foreign country where he lives by my two weeks fling with reason that I am not good enough for him and we are in a very different level and we care about different things. Doh! Are you blind or stupid? We are different from the beginning and who was ever say I want to be your wife?

I told her the story over laughter as if its the funniest thing in the world but indeed it is the funniest thing in the world.

But the fact is, did I cry or did I really laugh?

At the moment it happened, I didnt laugh or cry. All I think was, what I suppose to do for the rest 8 hours before my flight while he left me stranded on the street and I got really shock because I wasnt expect that. What kind of person who does that? Well now I know that there is a guy who has no responsibilites at all and someone who can ditch his responsibilty in a blink of a eye.

I didnt blame him for what he did to me. Maybe thats the way he is, maybe it is me who deserve that or million other reason that made it should be happened.

But one thing for sure that I believe, happiness has an expiration and so is sorrow.

I was happy when I was with him, he made me happy and laugh, I thought he was a really nice person and I enjoyed every moment with him but too bad my happiness with him was just too brief, and when the happiness is gone, so does him. And the feeling replaced with grief and sorrow of losing him.

So why I can still look happy after? Because the sorrow that he left on me doesnt have to stay long. It expired as brief as the happines he brought.

Happiness and sorrow are just moments in life that replace one another. Sometimes it stays long sometimes it doesnt. It doesnt really matter because what really matter is the person. I wish I can find someone who can stay permanently in my life as a friend, as a lover, as a husband, and even the happines has gone and replaced with sorrow, he can still stay, coz thats the thing that can make life beautiful..

How to keep a man (?)

First of all, don’t get misunderstood with the title that I wrote above. No, I am not going to give you all some kind of tips about how to keep a man, and no (again!) I don’t want to write about how and what I do to keep a man because the truth is, I barely know how to keep a man.

I truly do not know how to keep a man yet I am still single all along. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I am too ugly? but then I see everyone uglier than me can get a (fine) man and live happily (ever) after. Then I thought maybe I am too smart, but just a few weeks ago I failed an IQ test for a new job interview.So what then? Am I too dumb, well, I see lots of dumber girls who cannot define between ‘existed and excited’ being praised like a goddess. So what do I have so wrong in here?

One of my good friend told me over a pint of beer that if I want to recognize my mistake why every man I know run backwards after they get to know me, I should watch a movie called “The Ugly truth”, yes the Gerard Butler movie, that one..

the-ugly-truth

Well, I dont mind to have a Gerard Butler of my own hehe..

But that’s not the point I think. Even after I watched the move I realize I did something or everything that the girl on the movie did, minus the Gerard Butler of course.

And let me tell you something and everything that I always do, that might be the biggest turn offs that made all the men (not so much actually) turned their backs on me for good.

  1. I have been told, men like independent women, strong women, and women who know what they want. I never ask anything from them, I always offer to pay my share on the bills when we dated or when we have a vacation (even the smaller part). I never asked to be picked up, I never ask for money and I mostly told them what I want from the start (love, relationship, commitment, sincerity, presence and attention), but yet, still they choose women who obviously have more attraction to their safe deposit than the commitment to be made together.
  2. I always show the affection, nonetheless. I always available anytime anywhere anyhow for him.But is it make him come closer? Nope, it’s quite the opposite.
  3. I told them “I love You’. Yeah, believe it or not, I did. Not because I do really love them, but just so I wont lose them. And yet, I still lose them.
  4. I did whatever they want me to do, I said whatever they want to hear, I made the effort to communicate everyday, every night,and every millisecond of my breath I dedicate to the man that I (claimed) love.But in return, they run backwards as fast as they can to get away from me.

So what my mistakes here?? As I naively asked my friend. Even I definitely and soberly know exactly what I did wrong. EVERYTHING. I did everything wrong.

I tried hard to be loved, I tried hard to get love, I even become a manic control freak over every situation that involved a guy that I like to create the romance between us.

Well, i dont know what turned me into that, maybe too much pressure inside me, not too much love I got from inside my family, or terrible past that i cannot learned from yet, maybe lots of things that I can’t even explain myself, I dont understand…

But one thing I want to understand, I want to love myself more than my needs to be loved by someone else so this kind of thing, will not happen again in my life. So I dont need any validation from someone else to be loved, I dont need any proof from someone else that I am myself worth to be loved, and I feel enough and confidently feel that I love myself enough not to put myself in any situation that make me feel less worthy than anyone or anything else… I need to love myself before I can ask someone else to love me…

 

 

If I did things differently…..

In these past weeks, I had some regrets tangling in my mind, and it’s all about J.

If I did things differently, would he still stay? If I did things differently, would he be in love with me? If I did things differently, would his lust can turn to love? If I did things differently, would everything will not end up like now?

I have no idea but I secretly wished to have a second chance with J to do all things differently, but….

Right after my sunny holiday to Gili that I thought could overcome my broken heart becoz of him, and I thought could made me moved on but failed, I got an insight when I was waiting for boarding time at Lombok airport. I got into a bookstore and saw a book with title “Dont U forget about me” by Alexandra Potter. I thought at that moment, this book can change the way I think about what I have been through now. To mend my broken heart. Turned out, it is..

this is the book

this is the book

Maybe I am not kind of girl who gets inspired by the biography of Hillary Clinton or Barrack Obama or Margaret Thatcher, but indeed this simple book of chicklit can moved me. I am that simple maybe, simple yet shallow. ;p

Reading this book, my tangling regrets get answered perfectly. No matter how u did things differently, the result will be the same. When thing might go back to the first place all over again, the story might goes differently, but the result, in the end might be still the same. Its not how I did it, its not how if I did things differently, its the final result, its all about in the end I am not meant to be with J. Its all about he is not the man I could be end up with.

Now I get it. Sometimes I have to see something from a different side. I was always wish I never met him at the first place, but turned out thats not the point. From that book I got all answers for all my uneasy matters. Its not the person I met that matter, but what I had to go through with him that matter.  Dont ever wish to erase a history or a person in a history of your life coz its all that make u become the person u are now.

So if I have a second chance, erase and rewind, I believe the final result will be the same, so I dont think I need to rerun the same page all over again just to get through a different story with the same ending. I choose to move forward to another phase of my life, the next chapter with a different cast. Life is too short to dwell in the same problem over and over again. Life is to moving forward and not stopped at the same point.

Wise men say, if its meant to be, its meant to be, and u cant runaway from it. If he is the person that meant to be with u, no matter how far u run away from him, no matter how he try to avoid being with u, in the end, he will be back to u, and u will be back to him. And no mistakes can take him away from u.

Now, I can let him go from my heart and n head, with no regret and no grudge I keep inside my heart. He just passed by my way, crossed my path and thats it, now I say goodbye…

Au revoir J.. Wish u have a good life… 🙂 It just nice to meet u…

 

Attention W*ore

When we are in the phase of broken heart, seems that every song that we heard is reflected our feelings. That is happening to me. True.

And lately, I’ve been heard Miley Cyrus’s song called “wrecking ball” and I feel like, that’s exactly how I feel right now, she is so right, every word really does reflected my situation right now, how I feel, how he might feel, how I done to him and etc, etc, until finally I saw the original video clip of “Wrecking ball” last nite on youtube.

Here it is :

Umm, Miley… what the f*ck…

First of all, the video is not really does visualized the meaning of the song, except of the giant construction ball that can be called the “ball” itself, that’s how the song called wrecking ball.

And really? Does she understand the concept of sexy? is she really mean that swinging on giant construction ball naked and licking a hammer can be categorized as “sexy”? Seriously??  I am a woman, and I dont think that kind of act can be defined as sexy at all, even in a strip club if I’m being a stripper myself, all I can see just an mental illness patient that escapes from the mental institution.

I always think that I am crazy, sometimes I really feel like I am acting like an attention w*ore, but only for certain person, but now everytime I see Miley Cyrus in that video clip, I feel like more normal..

Well, thanks God, I am the 90’s generation era, Spice Girls is definitely more classy and sexy, and I dont know what the trend of porn nowadays but I hope licking a hammer is not one of them, even with the guys on Magic Mike.

Well, at least my eyes got a good rebound after seeing the original video of Wrecking Ball, the parody is way more entertaining and make me laugh hahaha