Happiness has an expiration…

…so does sorrow.

People say that life is unfair, but I can say that life is fair enough.

I had a talk with a good friend over dinner about happiness and sorrow. She asked “why do I always look happy?” And then I tell her this story..

I wasn’t happy because in the past couple weeks I was being in a heart breaking situation while I dont even have a heart to break. I got dumped 8 hours before my flight back home in a foreign country where he lives by my two weeks fling with reason that I am not good enough for him and we are in a very different level and we care about different things. Doh! Are you blind or stupid? We are different from the beginning and who was ever say I want to be your wife?

I told her the story over laughter as if its the funniest thing in the world but indeed it is the funniest thing in the world.

But the fact is, did I cry or did I really laugh?

At the moment it happened, I didnt laugh or cry. All I think was, what I suppose to do for the rest 8 hours before my flight while he left me stranded on the street and I got really shock because I wasnt expect that. What kind of person who does that? Well now I know that there is a guy who has no responsibilites at all and someone who can ditch his responsibilty in a blink of a eye.

I didnt blame him for what he did to me. Maybe thats the way he is, maybe it is me who deserve that or million other reason that made it should be happened.

But one thing for sure that I believe, happiness has an expiration and so is sorrow.

I was happy when I was with him, he made me happy and laugh, I thought he was a really nice person and I enjoyed every moment with him but too bad my happiness with him was just too brief, and when the happiness is gone, so does him. And the feeling replaced with grief and sorrow of losing him.

So why I can still look happy after? Because the sorrow that he left on me doesnt have to stay long. It expired as brief as the happines he brought.

Happiness and sorrow are just moments in life that replace one another. Sometimes it stays long sometimes it doesnt. It doesnt really matter because what really matter is the person. I wish I can find someone who can stay permanently in my life as a friend, as a lover, as a husband, and even the happines has gone and replaced with sorrow, he can still stay, coz thats the thing that can make life beautiful..

The man who (is going to) sold the world

We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn’t there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time agoOh no, not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the worldI laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for foreign land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare
We walked a million hills
I must have died alone 
A long, long time agoWho knows?
Not me
I never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the worldWho knows?
Not me
We never lost control
You’re face to face
With the man who sold the world
(Nirvana – The Man Who Sold The World)

I dedicate this song to the man that I believe one day is gonna sell the world. The man whom has million poker faces, the man who always switching his emotion on and off, but the fact also the man that I was fascinated with.

I don’t know why I somehow always attracted not only to a man with brain but to a man with high arrogance. A man with devil smirk and dark fantasies, a man who is willing to trade his soul to the demon, but on the other hand, this man can make me weak and lost myself under his control.

He lured me with his intelligence and his passion to hold the world in his hand. I can see his desire burning his soul to ashes, I can feel his power embrace his veins, I can dive in his eyes and see how much he wants to own the world, and when I’m with him, he dragged my soul to the deepest hole where I can’t even have control of myself and found myself lost in his hand.

He is going to get what he wants and he will not let anyone stand on his way, he is going to go straight to hell just to dance with the devil, and from the first time I hold him, I know, I was just face to face with the man who (is going to) sold the world.

Dedicated to: Mr. Lawyer

 

How to keep a man (?)

First of all, don’t get misunderstood with the title that I wrote above. No, I am not going to give you all some kind of tips about how to keep a man, and no (again!) I don’t want to write about how and what I do to keep a man because the truth is, I barely know how to keep a man.

I truly do not know how to keep a man yet I am still single all along. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I am too ugly? but then I see everyone uglier than me can get a (fine) man and live happily (ever) after. Then I thought maybe I am too smart, but just a few weeks ago I failed an IQ test for a new job interview.So what then? Am I too dumb, well, I see lots of dumber girls who cannot define between ‘existed and excited’ being praised like a goddess. So what do I have so wrong in here?

One of my good friend told me over a pint of beer that if I want to recognize my mistake why every man I know run backwards after they get to know me, I should watch a movie called “The Ugly truth”, yes the Gerard Butler movie, that one..

the-ugly-truth

Well, I dont mind to have a Gerard Butler of my own hehe..

But that’s not the point I think. Even after I watched the move I realize I did something or everything that the girl on the movie did, minus the Gerard Butler of course.

And let me tell you something and everything that I always do, that might be the biggest turn offs that made all the men (not so much actually) turned their backs on me for good.

  1. I have been told, men like independent women, strong women, and women who know what they want. I never ask anything from them, I always offer to pay my share on the bills when we dated or when we have a vacation (even the smaller part). I never asked to be picked up, I never ask for money and I mostly told them what I want from the start (love, relationship, commitment, sincerity, presence and attention), but yet, still they choose women who obviously have more attraction to their safe deposit than the commitment to be made together.
  2. I always show the affection, nonetheless. I always available anytime anywhere anyhow for him.But is it make him come closer? Nope, it’s quite the opposite.
  3. I told them “I love You’. Yeah, believe it or not, I did. Not because I do really love them, but just so I wont lose them. And yet, I still lose them.
  4. I did whatever they want me to do, I said whatever they want to hear, I made the effort to communicate everyday, every night,and every millisecond of my breath I dedicate to the man that I (claimed) love.But in return, they run backwards as fast as they can to get away from me.

So what my mistakes here?? As I naively asked my friend. Even I definitely and soberly know exactly what I did wrong. EVERYTHING. I did everything wrong.

I tried hard to be loved, I tried hard to get love, I even become a manic control freak over every situation that involved a guy that I like to create the romance between us.

Well, i dont know what turned me into that, maybe too much pressure inside me, not too much love I got from inside my family, or terrible past that i cannot learned from yet, maybe lots of things that I can’t even explain myself, I dont understand…

But one thing I want to understand, I want to love myself more than my needs to be loved by someone else so this kind of thing, will not happen again in my life. So I dont need any validation from someone else to be loved, I dont need any proof from someone else that I am myself worth to be loved, and I feel enough and confidently feel that I love myself enough not to put myself in any situation that make me feel less worthy than anyone or anything else… I need to love myself before I can ask someone else to love me…

 

 

Secrets & Lies

People live with that in daily life. Noone can ever avoid having secrets and lies.

People usually having secret to protect someone else and lying to avoid conflict, it’s common, it’s normal, it’s human. But what about people who make secrets and lies just to create a new version of his life in front of another people? Is it normal? Is it right? Isn’t it horrible?

I was had a fresh experience crossed path with a horrible person like that. I met him online and then met him for real. he was like a decent person, we seemed to have lots of things in common. We shared the same interest, we shared our thought, we shared our daily life, we seemed to be clicked. But after a while, things changed.

I never suspect people, I never googled people, if I want to know something about him, I will just simply ask him, coz I count first person information as the most reliable if I got it directly from the source himself, but I was wrong. In the new era of digital, we cant rely on the person himself to know the truth. Internet speak truth louder than the person himself.

As a woman, I always have an instinct, and as a woman count as the crazy one, I do have a wild instinct, and I promise myself to always listen to it, coz it mostly revealed the truth about a person when I feel wrong about.

Back to the guy, just call him Mr.A, after almost 4 month we talked, one time we met in person, only one time coz he lives in Bangkok and I live in Jakarta, something felt wrong. I dont know what, and I dont know why I felt that, but I was just felt it, something was off and something was wrong, then I dig in through the internet and I found out the truth about him.

He lied to me all these times, none of his words are reliable. He just a big fat liar. Turned out he’s been married for 11 fuckin years and I have to find it out myself and he just runaway, just like that. What a jerk and what a coward.

Well, maybe I am overreacted, but I definitely have a zero tolerance on that. How could he did that to me? And maybe the right question is, how could he did that to his wife??

Where were her when he did what he did to me? And how could someone erase a part of his life for 11 years? Is she even mean something to her? Can he just tell me, “Hey I’m a married man and I’ve been married for 11 years but I want to fuck u”. That’s more has dignity to me. I will more appreciate that than being lied these times as if I’m the dumbest person on earth. Honesty is the most honorable thing than the sweetest lies.

I dont hate him for who he is, he just a pathetic coward nothing can change that, I just hate what he did to me, lie to me, being fake to me, think that I’m an idiot. I hate that. I dont like that.

Something to learn about this, I cant trust people, how sad is that when something digital holds more truth than the word of human himself? How sad is that that we can no longer count on the truth that spoken from the person himself? Human lost their dignity to a thing called technology, when the oath coming from the mouth of a human can no longer count as the pure thing as truth. So maybe we have no reason to promise, no reason to tied ourself under oath. Leave it to the internet and the all the digital service to speak the truth, human is no longer valid to speak the truth..

Adios humanity…

If I did things differently…..

In these past weeks, I had some regrets tangling in my mind, and it’s all about J.

If I did things differently, would he still stay? If I did things differently, would he be in love with me? If I did things differently, would his lust can turn to love? If I did things differently, would everything will not end up like now?

I have no idea but I secretly wished to have a second chance with J to do all things differently, but….

Right after my sunny holiday to Gili that I thought could overcome my broken heart becoz of him, and I thought could made me moved on but failed, I got an insight when I was waiting for boarding time at Lombok airport. I got into a bookstore and saw a book with title “Dont U forget about me” by Alexandra Potter. I thought at that moment, this book can change the way I think about what I have been through now. To mend my broken heart. Turned out, it is..

this is the book

this is the book

Maybe I am not kind of girl who gets inspired by the biography of Hillary Clinton or Barrack Obama or Margaret Thatcher, but indeed this simple book of chicklit can moved me. I am that simple maybe, simple yet shallow. ;p

Reading this book, my tangling regrets get answered perfectly. No matter how u did things differently, the result will be the same. When thing might go back to the first place all over again, the story might goes differently, but the result, in the end might be still the same. Its not how I did it, its not how if I did things differently, its the final result, its all about in the end I am not meant to be with J. Its all about he is not the man I could be end up with.

Now I get it. Sometimes I have to see something from a different side. I was always wish I never met him at the first place, but turned out thats not the point. From that book I got all answers for all my uneasy matters. Its not the person I met that matter, but what I had to go through with him that matter.  Dont ever wish to erase a history or a person in a history of your life coz its all that make u become the person u are now.

So if I have a second chance, erase and rewind, I believe the final result will be the same, so I dont think I need to rerun the same page all over again just to get through a different story with the same ending. I choose to move forward to another phase of my life, the next chapter with a different cast. Life is too short to dwell in the same problem over and over again. Life is to moving forward and not stopped at the same point.

Wise men say, if its meant to be, its meant to be, and u cant runaway from it. If he is the person that meant to be with u, no matter how far u run away from him, no matter how he try to avoid being with u, in the end, he will be back to u, and u will be back to him. And no mistakes can take him away from u.

Now, I can let him go from my heart and n head, with no regret and no grudge I keep inside my heart. He just passed by my way, crossed my path and thats it, now I say goodbye…

Au revoir J.. Wish u have a good life… 🙂 It just nice to meet u…

 

La Vie Est Belle

“I am selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if  u cant handle me at my worst, then u sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.”

– Marilyn Monroe –

They say women are crazy, and maybe thats true. from all the female friends I have, indeed, we are a special species, with the amount of different levels of craziness, and guaranteed, all women are crazy, in their own way.

Speaking about craziness, I have my own level of craziness that only particular person can handle, only particular person. And sometimes I forget that not everybody can be that particular person.

I have been through a lot in my life, and for that excuse I can say I have this rough personality. Sometimes I dont know what’s going on in my head and my mind can develop a crazy theory and over analyzing thing out of control and formed a not very good conclusion that anybody may hardly accept. Pardon me, but that’s how my brain works, out of orbit. And I can also say that I am a bad words expert, but believe me, I aint proud of that.

And for that reason too, its quite hard for me to find a man who can accept me the way I am. Noone can tolerate my level of craziness, so far..

But people say, everybody had already has someone who meant for them. Like Greek mythology said, human used to be created with 4 hands, 4 legs and 2 faces, but Zeus afraid of the power human can have, so he split it into two and doomed them to find each other in life. I dont know should I believe it or not but it sounds romantic so I think I might agree. 🙂

But where is half of my soul? Is he still far apart from me? Is he still searching for me? has he found me but we torn apart again? I have no idea and still try to figure this out, like endlessly.

Wise men say, in life u have to learn everything, and life will teach u everything. But so far, I feel like the dumbest student ever coz every time life gave me lessons, I failed.

But I dont want to be forever dumb. I want to learn something from what I’ve been through.

I realize I have something inside me that I have to fix. My insecurities, my jealousy, my negative thinking and my impatience. My frenchman, Nik, always says, he believes in me and all my good qualites behind my sometimes crazy and out of control behavior, he believes I can be a better person if I try really hard and learn from all mistakes I did. And he is right, and I want to prove him that he is right. All these years he tried to fix me, but now its my turn to fix myself.

I keep on tumbling down in life, while I keep trying to find my soulmate. Life is a long journey, a long run, and it has no final stop and has no turning point. I used to looking for a shelter where I can stop and become my final destination, but then I realized as I’m growing old that life has no final destination. All I have to do is run and run and run, and all I need is to find is someone who can run along with, hand in hand, jumping, sliding, and going through the obstacles together.

I still dont know where to find him, even Nik seems to fit in the criteria with his endless patience and big heart and cool head and always know how to handle me at my worst, but so far we still have different way to run. Even sometimes he still stops by everytime I’m tumbling down and cry just to comfort me and say “everything will gonna be just fine” and keep reminds me that life is beautiful everytime my sky is falling down and torn apart.

I will keep it in mind, life is beautiful, la vie est belle…..

special gift from a special man of my life, to remind me that life is beautiful even sometimes my sky is turning dark