I Wanna

I wanna go to a proper date, with a proper man, in a proper dress, to a proper restaurant..

I wanna talk with him for hours, eat a proper meals, drink a proper wine..

I wanna see the sparks in his eyes when he talks about his favorite things or favorite team sport and his favorites childhood memories..

I wanna feel the butterflies in my stomach when he touch my hand from across the table he sits in when he try to compliment my smile..

I wanna feel the warmth in my heart when he look deep in my eyes and smile when I told him any stupid story that come out from my mouth just because I am so nervous…

I wanna see him laugh hard when we talk about random things that come across between us…

I wanna feel his heart beat when he hugs me good night before we go home after a very nice evening we had…

I wanna wake up the next morning finding a cute text from him on my phone asking to have another date for another day

I wanna do all those things all over again endlessly until we finally go home to the same home and sleep in the same room and share the same bed and kiss good night before we turn off the lights and wake up the next morning next to each other with smile…

But first, I wanna find him…

 

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Happiness has an expiration…

…so does sorrow.

People say that life is unfair, but I can say that life is fair enough.

I had a talk with a good friend over dinner about happiness and sorrow. She asked “why do I always look happy?” And then I tell her this story..

I wasn’t happy because in the past couple weeks I was being in a heart breaking situation while I dont even have a heart to break. I got dumped 8 hours before my flight back home in a foreign country where he lives by my two weeks fling with reason that I am not good enough for him and we are in a very different level and we care about different things. Doh! Are you blind or stupid? We are different from the beginning and who was ever say I want to be your wife?

I told her the story over laughter as if its the funniest thing in the world but indeed it is the funniest thing in the world.

But the fact is, did I cry or did I really laugh?

At the moment it happened, I didnt laugh or cry. All I think was, what I suppose to do for the rest 8 hours before my flight while he left me stranded on the street and I got really shock because I wasnt expect that. What kind of person who does that? Well now I know that there is a guy who has no responsibilites at all and someone who can ditch his responsibilty in a blink of a eye.

I didnt blame him for what he did to me. Maybe thats the way he is, maybe it is me who deserve that or million other reason that made it should be happened.

But one thing for sure that I believe, happiness has an expiration and so is sorrow.

I was happy when I was with him, he made me happy and laugh, I thought he was a really nice person and I enjoyed every moment with him but too bad my happiness with him was just too brief, and when the happiness is gone, so does him. And the feeling replaced with grief and sorrow of losing him.

So why I can still look happy after? Because the sorrow that he left on me doesnt have to stay long. It expired as brief as the happines he brought.

Happiness and sorrow are just moments in life that replace one another. Sometimes it stays long sometimes it doesnt. It doesnt really matter because what really matter is the person. I wish I can find someone who can stay permanently in my life as a friend, as a lover, as a husband, and even the happines has gone and replaced with sorrow, he can still stay, coz thats the thing that can make life beautiful..

How to keep a man (?)

First of all, don’t get misunderstood with the title that I wrote above. No, I am not going to give you all some kind of tips about how to keep a man, and no (again!) I don’t want to write about how and what I do to keep a man because the truth is, I barely know how to keep a man.

I truly do not know how to keep a man yet I am still single all along. Sometimes I wonder, is it because I am too ugly? but then I see everyone uglier than me can get a (fine) man and live happily (ever) after. Then I thought maybe I am too smart, but just a few weeks ago I failed an IQ test for a new job interview.So what then? Am I too dumb, well, I see lots of dumber girls who cannot define between ‘existed and excited’ being praised like a goddess. So what do I have so wrong in here?

One of my good friend told me over a pint of beer that if I want to recognize my mistake why every man I know run backwards after they get to know me, I should watch a movie called “The Ugly truth”, yes the Gerard Butler movie, that one..

the-ugly-truth

Well, I dont mind to have a Gerard Butler of my own hehe..

But that’s not the point I think. Even after I watched the move I realize I did something or everything that the girl on the movie did, minus the Gerard Butler of course.

And let me tell you something and everything that I always do, that might be the biggest turn offs that made all the men (not so much actually) turned their backs on me for good.

  1. I have been told, men like independent women, strong women, and women who know what they want. I never ask anything from them, I always offer to pay my share on the bills when we dated or when we have a vacation (even the smaller part). I never asked to be picked up, I never ask for money and I mostly told them what I want from the start (love, relationship, commitment, sincerity, presence and attention), but yet, still they choose women who obviously have more attraction to their safe deposit than the commitment to be made together.
  2. I always show the affection, nonetheless. I always available anytime anywhere anyhow for him.But is it make him come closer? Nope, it’s quite the opposite.
  3. I told them “I love You’. Yeah, believe it or not, I did. Not because I do really love them, but just so I wont lose them. And yet, I still lose them.
  4. I did whatever they want me to do, I said whatever they want to hear, I made the effort to communicate everyday, every night,and every millisecond of my breath I dedicate to the man that I (claimed) love.But in return, they run backwards as fast as they can to get away from me.

So what my mistakes here?? As I naively asked my friend. Even I definitely and soberly know exactly what I did wrong. EVERYTHING. I did everything wrong.

I tried hard to be loved, I tried hard to get love, I even become a manic control freak over every situation that involved a guy that I like to create the romance between us.

Well, i dont know what turned me into that, maybe too much pressure inside me, not too much love I got from inside my family, or terrible past that i cannot learned from yet, maybe lots of things that I can’t even explain myself, I dont understand…

But one thing I want to understand, I want to love myself more than my needs to be loved by someone else so this kind of thing, will not happen again in my life. So I dont need any validation from someone else to be loved, I dont need any proof from someone else that I am myself worth to be loved, and I feel enough and confidently feel that I love myself enough not to put myself in any situation that make me feel less worthy than anyone or anything else… I need to love myself before I can ask someone else to love me…

 

 

Love or what I think it is

The fact that I write this at 2:30 in the morning stated that this really bothering so much and I cant help it.

William Wharton said, love is passion, admiration and respect. if you have two you have enough but if you have all three, you dont have to die to go to heaven.

I mostly agree with what Mr. Wharton said but now I question his wisdom.

I barely understand love. And I might not even found it yet , but most of the time, I have mistaken something else to be called love.

I look around myself and see how easy people find love, and keep it, and be happy with it. But on the other hand, i just grab the very next thing that I think suitable enough to be called love or the man of my dream. Is it true that he is the man of my dream, or he just fit in to be the man of my dream and I create the whole image of him to be my standard of love?. I dont know and it might be is.

I told him how much I love him, I told him how much I adore him and I told him that he is everything that I have been dreaming of while the fact is, I dont even know him at all but I want him to fit in the image of the man that I am falling in love with. I know it’s not fair and I realize that just shows how much a control freak I am. I want to be in control of my life and on every situation including on the man I am falling in love with. Yeah, thats scared the hell out of me as well, not just him.

I dont know how to fix the situation with him, and I actually dont want to fix that. but I just want to take the lesson from this situation that I created with him that caused a crash boom bang to not to happen again in the next future so I can really find a love, a real one.

I do not love him, and clearly do not love myself enough to put myself in the situation that I cant help damaged and left a bad taste in his mouth, but I dont want this happen again.

I want to love myself to find love…..

A love that is not an obsession of being loved, a love that is not a completion of being in love. A love that stand alone to be love itself and embrace both of me and him to create a new path in our life that brings countless happiness.

And for the guy that I have been tortured to love me in this past year, I am sorry for using you as the object of love that I try to picture on you, I dont blame you for hating me right now, and thank you to endure until you cannot anymore…

For now, I just want to love myself to find love…..

 

 

I Will Never Get Enough of You

I’m talking about books.

I love books. Since I was little kid, I always excited to go to bookstore and that excitement made me confuse to

The book that I found when I was broken heart

The book that I found when I was broken heart

choose the books to buy coz I want all the books!

I read everything since I was kid. Magazines, comics books, novels, newspaper (even only the gossip columns) even labels in a jar, and reading is so amusing for me, no wonder I gain too much minuses on my glasses, but thanks to contact lenses these days, I dont have to wear my thick glasses every day. 🙂

My interest of books depends on my mood swing, but basically I just like something light to read. When I was kid, I was a huge fan of comic books, and on my childhood era, Japanese comic books or rather be known as manga, was very very popular. And my favorites are girly and funny manga of course. But I also read children and teenage novels and american comics such as Goosebumps, it was very popular teenager horror novels for teenager, also comics books such as Archie Andrew and Betty Veronica. That was my favorites. And I also read cultural books and legend of my own country, classics legend tales from many places in Indonesia, so basically that’s how I learn history when I was kid, through a comic an kids novel. I also learnt a bit of French history from a Japanese manga, Rose of Versaille, not bad, huh. :p

The book that i bought few years ago but never finished read. I bough it just bcoz of discounted.

The book that i bought few years ago but never finished read. I bough it just bcoz of discounted.

As I’m growing old, my fondness of comic books no longer striving in my soul. I’d rather read novels, or in the other word, a book without graphics, just words, hehe. But depends on my mood, I prefer a light read than a heavy one. I used to read Paulo Coelho books and I have some of his books, Veronica Decide to Die, The Witch of Portobello, By The River of Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, those  some of his books I have read but I cannot always read a heavy philosophy books, my brain cant always swallow all the meaning of those great philosophy. Paulo Coelho is brilliant, my brain is not, hehe. So mostly, I only pick some chicklit just to relax and have some laugh. And surprisingly, life lesson can come through an easy book.

But in this rapid growth of technology, books seems forgotten. People are too busy with their smartphone, I can rarely find people reading book in the corner of cafe, or holding book when they walk around, all I can see just people with smartphones on their hands, in cafes, restaurants or streets and everywhere.

I almost forgotten books, the last time when I bought a book was when I was broken heart bcoz of J. In an airport of Lombok Praya a year ago, I found a bookstore and I felt like I found a sanctuary, felt like I found myself again. 🙂

photo 2

The book i was just finished read

One of my favorite book of all time is P.S. I love U by Cecilia Ahern. Yes, the P.S. I love u movie, its from that book, its actually a chicklit. I read the novel before the movie was even made. Its brilliant and so romantic, well actually its just extra romantic, I was fall for the novel and when the movie made, I was fall for Gerard butler of course. And in  my opinion, the novel and the movie is really great, not disappointing.  How can i say not disappointing? bcoz mostly, when the book is great, the movie doesnt seems to follow.

And my unforgetten books of all time are Harry Potter series. I read Harry Potter when i was in college, even i dont have the books coz it was beyond my student pockets so I was just borrowed it from my friends. And I think Harry Potter is so crazy brilliant coz it really took our imaginations away, I remembered I chose to read Harry potter than studying for my exam, once I hooked to the book, I barely escaped, J.K. Rowling is fantastic!

The book that I currently read, I bring it everywhere in my bag :p

The book that I currently read, I bring it everywhere in my bag :p

So in this past few months, I am starting to buy books again. And my choice of books is absolutely depend of my mood. but mostly, I pick an easy read book, a refreshing and funny chicklit which story line is around daily girls life, bcoz its always good to know that a story of a book is not faraway from our daily life.

Maybe sooner or later books is become an ancient thing, replaced something more and more technology-ish. But, i will never lost my love on books. Reading a book compared to an e-book from computer or tab or pad is different. It has different sensation, different thrill and different satisfaction. When you read a book, the actual book, you can get the feeling when you hold the book and read it while you have a cup of coffee or tea, when you fold page by page, it’s different than to swipe a page on a tab. The smell of the paper, the feel of the paper on you finger, it’s undefinable.

I love books, the actual books. And I will never replace it with something more technology-ish, reading books is way more fun, believe me, or not :p

Happy reading!

Some books that I have left from these days

Some books that I have left these days

If I did things differently…..

In these past weeks, I had some regrets tangling in my mind, and it’s all about J.

If I did things differently, would he still stay? If I did things differently, would he be in love with me? If I did things differently, would his lust can turn to love? If I did things differently, would everything will not end up like now?

I have no idea but I secretly wished to have a second chance with J to do all things differently, but….

Right after my sunny holiday to Gili that I thought could overcome my broken heart becoz of him, and I thought could made me moved on but failed, I got an insight when I was waiting for boarding time at Lombok airport. I got into a bookstore and saw a book with title “Dont U forget about me” by Alexandra Potter. I thought at that moment, this book can change the way I think about what I have been through now. To mend my broken heart. Turned out, it is..

this is the book

this is the book

Maybe I am not kind of girl who gets inspired by the biography of Hillary Clinton or Barrack Obama or Margaret Thatcher, but indeed this simple book of chicklit can moved me. I am that simple maybe, simple yet shallow. ;p

Reading this book, my tangling regrets get answered perfectly. No matter how u did things differently, the result will be the same. When thing might go back to the first place all over again, the story might goes differently, but the result, in the end might be still the same. Its not how I did it, its not how if I did things differently, its the final result, its all about in the end I am not meant to be with J. Its all about he is not the man I could be end up with.

Now I get it. Sometimes I have to see something from a different side. I was always wish I never met him at the first place, but turned out thats not the point. From that book I got all answers for all my uneasy matters. Its not the person I met that matter, but what I had to go through with him that matter.  Dont ever wish to erase a history or a person in a history of your life coz its all that make u become the person u are now.

So if I have a second chance, erase and rewind, I believe the final result will be the same, so I dont think I need to rerun the same page all over again just to get through a different story with the same ending. I choose to move forward to another phase of my life, the next chapter with a different cast. Life is too short to dwell in the same problem over and over again. Life is to moving forward and not stopped at the same point.

Wise men say, if its meant to be, its meant to be, and u cant runaway from it. If he is the person that meant to be with u, no matter how far u run away from him, no matter how he try to avoid being with u, in the end, he will be back to u, and u will be back to him. And no mistakes can take him away from u.

Now, I can let him go from my heart and n head, with no regret and no grudge I keep inside my heart. He just passed by my way, crossed my path and thats it, now I say goodbye…

Au revoir J.. Wish u have a good life… 🙂 It just nice to meet u…

 

La Vie Est Belle

“I am selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if  u cant handle me at my worst, then u sure as hell dont deserve me at my best.”

– Marilyn Monroe –

They say women are crazy, and maybe thats true. from all the female friends I have, indeed, we are a special species, with the amount of different levels of craziness, and guaranteed, all women are crazy, in their own way.

Speaking about craziness, I have my own level of craziness that only particular person can handle, only particular person. And sometimes I forget that not everybody can be that particular person.

I have been through a lot in my life, and for that excuse I can say I have this rough personality. Sometimes I dont know what’s going on in my head and my mind can develop a crazy theory and over analyzing thing out of control and formed a not very good conclusion that anybody may hardly accept. Pardon me, but that’s how my brain works, out of orbit. And I can also say that I am a bad words expert, but believe me, I aint proud of that.

And for that reason too, its quite hard for me to find a man who can accept me the way I am. Noone can tolerate my level of craziness, so far..

But people say, everybody had already has someone who meant for them. Like Greek mythology said, human used to be created with 4 hands, 4 legs and 2 faces, but Zeus afraid of the power human can have, so he split it into two and doomed them to find each other in life. I dont know should I believe it or not but it sounds romantic so I think I might agree. 🙂

But where is half of my soul? Is he still far apart from me? Is he still searching for me? has he found me but we torn apart again? I have no idea and still try to figure this out, like endlessly.

Wise men say, in life u have to learn everything, and life will teach u everything. But so far, I feel like the dumbest student ever coz every time life gave me lessons, I failed.

But I dont want to be forever dumb. I want to learn something from what I’ve been through.

I realize I have something inside me that I have to fix. My insecurities, my jealousy, my negative thinking and my impatience. My frenchman, Nik, always says, he believes in me and all my good qualites behind my sometimes crazy and out of control behavior, he believes I can be a better person if I try really hard and learn from all mistakes I did. And he is right, and I want to prove him that he is right. All these years he tried to fix me, but now its my turn to fix myself.

I keep on tumbling down in life, while I keep trying to find my soulmate. Life is a long journey, a long run, and it has no final stop and has no turning point. I used to looking for a shelter where I can stop and become my final destination, but then I realized as I’m growing old that life has no final destination. All I have to do is run and run and run, and all I need is to find is someone who can run along with, hand in hand, jumping, sliding, and going through the obstacles together.

I still dont know where to find him, even Nik seems to fit in the criteria with his endless patience and big heart and cool head and always know how to handle me at my worst, but so far we still have different way to run. Even sometimes he still stops by everytime I’m tumbling down and cry just to comfort me and say “everything will gonna be just fine” and keep reminds me that life is beautiful everytime my sky is falling down and torn apart.

I will keep it in mind, life is beautiful, la vie est belle…..

special gift from a special man of my life, to remind me that life is beautiful even sometimes my sky is turning dark